Monday, 30 December 2013
I had this idea to describe myself in twelve songs, so if you don't know me that well you can find out in a fun way :)
1. Tori Amos - Silent all these years
I am really crap at talking to people, like REALLY CRAP. I'm not as bad as I used to be but sometimes if something isn't right I sort of retreat back into not speaking or trusting anybody.
Also I just really like Tori's way with words, the first time I heard it I literally envisioned Damien from The Omen yelling at her in the kitchen before she turned into a mermaid and swam away.
2. AFI - The Boy Who Destroyed The World
It doesn't describe me any more, but it was a big part of my life a few years back and was the soundtrack to my loneliness. Now it's just a catchy tune with a lot of memories.
3. The Evil Love Song from Phineas and Ferb
Yes I know I picked a song from a kids cartoon buuuuuuuut.
Yeah this totally describes Kev and I... Why don't we have an evil robot army? We'd make awesome supreme rulers of the universe!
4. Adam and The Ants - Stand and Deliver
"I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention!" You've seen my wardrobe right?
5. Patrick Wolf - Tristan
I first heard this when I was going through a weird point in my life, I'd realised I was just going to have to put up with all the crap that was going on in it and thus though "so be it".
6. Bat for Lashes - Daniel
I just love this so much and can't put my finger on why.
7. Alice in Videoland - Little Bird
I like to dance... A lot... With everybody!
8. Hole - Doll Parts
I realise it's totally a drug euphemism buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut I would like to be the girl with the most cake.
9. Free - Wishing Well
It just gets stuck in my head FOREVER, massive earworm of mine.
10 Scandal - The Warrior
Speaking of earworms! Seriously though I used to be obsessed with this video because I thought she looked like she belonged in the X Men cartoon (which was another obsession of mine when I was a kiddie).
11. 4 None Blondes - What's Up?
The first song I ever learned the lyrics to.
12. Shakespear's Sister - I don't Care
Pretty much sums me up (rather creepily) in a song.
Sunday, 29 December 2013
Saturday, 28 December 2013
Friday, 27 December 2013
Thursday, 26 December 2013
Wednesday, 25 December 2013
Tuesday, 24 December 2013
Monday, 23 December 2013
I really hate this place, it isn't big enough for all our stuff, it's constantly damp and therefore impossible to keep clean (also I've lost one of my favourite jackets due to mould :( ), the walls are too thin our neighbours are almost all nutters and I would quite like to be able to decorate a room without the wallpaper peeling off a fortnight later.
Sunday, 22 December 2013
I'm in two minds about Facebook. I am on it way to much and it is a little bit scary how much I put out there on Facebook (possibly forever!) but at the same time, it's hard to feel alone any more when there is always someone online to have a natter with.
Saturday, 21 December 2013
As a veggie I used to quite often get people ask me how I'd cope on a desert island when I was growing up.
Why would I have ended up on a desert island?
I didn't even have a passport until after I stopped speaking to those people.
Besides if there are animals on the island then surely they most be eating something?
And if not then I could give fish a go for my own survival I suppose but really... Why would I be on a desert island?
Friday, 20 December 2013
Thursday, 19 December 2013
Wednesday, 18 December 2013
Tuesday, 17 December 2013
Long live Goth.
Seriously though, why are people so obsessed with declaring subcultures dead?
Why does it matter how many people are into it any more?
I didn't get into it do follow mainstream ways of thinking, I did it because it was what I as an individual enjoyed.
Fuck your noise.
Monday, 16 December 2013
When I'm stressed I bite chunks out of my thumbs, it makes me look like I have zombie fingers and it's really not good but I do it without thinking.
I've been super stressed over the past few months what with relatives getting really over excited about Kev proposing (seriously guys I appreciate the thought and everything but the wedding isn't going to be a for a few years yet, I don't know what shape cake I want yet), and then with both Trillians and Legends closing within a week of each other (fortunately all that appears to be essentially sorted now with new venues like The Cluny) and just general feelingsstuff.
I guess that things must be looking up now though because my left thumb is completely healed and my left one is just looking a little raggy.
Sunday, 15 December 2013
Saturday, 14 December 2013
Friday, 13 December 2013
Thursday, 12 December 2013
If the world was ending the next day and I knew it was going to happen, I'd like to go out partying.
When Kev interviewed Erk Aicrag (Hoccico / Rabia Sorda) he said that if he knew he was going to die the next day he'd play a gig, I like mthat way of thinking.
Might as well die having fun.
Wednesday, 11 December 2013
I love to debate things, I get very passionate about some things and love a good argument about them, but I can't argue about feelings and things.
I hate arguing with friends and people I care about, so I try as much as I can to avoid conflict.
So last week my ceiling started dripping, we didn't think it was too huge a deal because it was just a drip so we let the building caretakers know and attempted to let upstairs know their bath was overflowing or something.
Except it turns out our new upstairs neighbours really hate to answer the door, but the caretakers came around, took a photo and promised to fix it.
Well for a couple of days the drip stopped and all was well.
Except that on Sunday the drip began again, we only noticed after the caretakers had gone home for the night so there wasn't much could be done about it, still it didn't seem that bad, just annoying.
That was until Kev switched on my studio light, there was a loud bang and suddenly all the lights went out.
Great, had to spend the night lit by candles and the the glow of the television (the only circuit that had tripped was the lighting one).
So on Monday I went to see the caretakers and mentioned the light, asked them to keep me in the loop and then heard nothing more all day so had to spend another night by candle light (also candle lit baths are not as romantic as I was lead to believe, my bathroom just looked like something from a Hammer Horror film).
Yesterday the caretakers dropped by to say that the upstairs water had been switched off and wouldn't go on again until the problem was fixed so it would be safe for us to call an electrification now, great I'd have light!
The sparky was here for half the day 0.o
We had a sixties-tastic bowl light shade that was here when we moved in and we hadn't got around to replacing yet and when the guy took it off the entire thing was filled with water, so it looks like Kev and I are pretty lucky to be alive really.
After we dried everything up and he got up to have a look at the wiring it turned out all of the plastic (including a lot of the wire coating) had melted, and that part of the ceiling would need to come down so it could be replaced.
Thus my studio now looks like a bomb hit it, my fabrics are all over the living room and fifi is drying out on the sofa :/
But ho hum, at least we're alive.
Tuesday, 10 December 2013
I can't embed it, I don't know how long it will be up and I doubt it can be viewed outside of the UK but I wanted to share this because it's just such a well written short film on bullying.
It's not patronising, it's just horribly realistic.
Monday, 9 December 2013
Sunday, 8 December 2013
Saturday, 7 December 2013
Friday, 6 December 2013
Once upon a time I wore jeans
A decade is a weird amount of time, it seems such a short amount of time, but at the same time it's quite a while, ten percent of a life (roughly).
Ten years ago I was a very different person, I was a lot younger (obviously), and going through what I still regard as the worst year of my life.
As I said a few days back I was very lonely at that point in my life, it was also the year that all of my illusions about who I was and who other people were were totally shattered, mother wasn't always right and neither was I, in fact became pretty convinced I was always wrong.
If I had been asked ten years ago what I thought I'd be doing now, I'd have made up some twee lie, but really I'd have thought that I wouldn't be here at all, I honestly couldn't see a way out of what I was going through, although eventually I managed to convince myself that if I could just keep painting on the big fake smile my life would be my own soon and things would be better, and while it didn't quite work totally to my plan it kind of worked and I'm still here, mostly in control of my own life.
So where will I be in ten more?
Well I'll be married (unless it takes us a really long time to save for it), living in a house again rather than a flat with paper thin walls and a drip in the ceiling, hopefully I will be self employed and it will be working out and I will be as happy (if not happier) than I am now.
Thursday, 5 December 2013
Wednesday, 4 December 2013
Today I am going to talk about what frightens me the most.
When I was 12 I was bullied so badly at school that it caused me to have panic attacks, I've mentioned on here before that my mother got really scared and pulled me out of school and so I ended up home educated for the rest of my secondary school years because all of the other schools in the area were over subscribed so I couldn't get in anywhere else.
Over all I am quite happy with the level of education I received, it meant I could concentrate more on the things I was good at (mainly arts based) and if I was having trouble with something I didn't have thirty other kids to compete with for help, but the one thing that wasn't so good was how painfully lonely it was.
I was in my teens, things were hard enough with my body throwing random curveballs at me without having to go through it alone, and yeah I had my family around but you know how it is when you're a teenager, nobody understood me, at least that's what I thought (and to be fair some of my problems surrounded coming out, and nobody in my immediate family DID understand that, and hearing stuff like "I don't see why the NHS don't accept gay men's blood, it's not gay people that spread AIDs it's the bisexuals you have to worry about" didn't really help) and so when I had problems I just stopped talking to people because I was frustrated and felt like nobody was listening.
At some point my family started to notice how withdrawn I had become and a youth group was found nearby and I started to go to that, unfortunately it had been almost two years since I had left school and I had trouble talking to people my own age. I would freak out on the bus on the way there for months, convinced that people were just pretending to like me (in a couple of cases it turned out I was correct to think that but fuck this people) and for a while I felt even more alone, like many young people I felt like the only people that understood me were musicians and it was around this time I started listening to AFI and felt a deep and somewhat weird connection to the lyrics of The Nephillim "he said I now feel more desperatly alone, even though they wrapped their arms around me as I'd fallen." And I felt like I'd never be happy again.
Eventually though I ended up joining another group tha was more politics based, which was kind of weird because I never really saw myself being into anything political and then boom suddenly there I was every month trying to make young people's voices and opinions heard, it shaped a lot of who I am today funnily enough, and I met people then who I am still friends with now. An offshoot of that group turned into an LGB (they totally forgot about the T which makes me feel a bit awkward now) group and I ended up getting the support I needed and eventually came out to my family, which got a resounding "ok why are you telling me this now? What do you expect me to do about it?" Rather than the hugs I needed but oh well at least I managed to come out eventually.
I still have trouble speaking to people sometimes, and I know it does frustrate people sometimes but at least these days I have people (a lot of people, more than I ever thought I'd have) who care enough to get frustrated at me, I don't ever want to be as lonely as I was in my teens again.
I wish that you could see what everybody else sees.
You're a fantastic person, a brilliant friend and incredibly talented.
You're always so down on yourself and I know that nothing I can say can make any difference, and that makes me feel helpless.
You've helped me so much and I want to help you.
Tuesday, 3 December 2013
Before I met Kev I went out with a guy who seemed in retrospect was obsessed with controlling me. Every little thing about me he had something to say about.
In ways he was quite clever because it wasn't until long after we had split up I noticed all of the ways he had played with my head.
One of the things he managed to do was make me obsess over my weight, to the point that eventually I would check my weight every day and if I was heavier than the day before I would eat very little and be ashamed of myself, but he was never happy, the next time I saw him he complained that my hipbones (which now stuck out) had bruised him and in the same breath told me I'd be so much hotter if I lost a few more pounds.
When we split up and I realised all of the ways he had controlled me it still took a long time to stop obsessing over my weight and eventually I ended up having to get rid of scales in my house so I wouldn't obsess any more.
At the weekend I visited my friend's house for a party and she has scales in her bathroom, curiosity overtook me and I stepped on the scales.
I'm five stone heavier now, I considered that for a moment.
I eat a lot healthier, and I run a lot.
Those five stones don't matter.
Monday, 2 December 2013
I don't think that anything in my wardrobe was that hard to get.
Saturday, 30 November 2013
Sorry not sorry this goat was adorable but has nothing to do with this post.
2013 is almost over, just December left and it's gone forever!
Some crappy things have happened this year, and I stressed out so much at one point that I started biting chunks out of my thumbs, but over all? 2013 has actually probably been one of the best years I've had since I was a child and didn't really have much to worry about.
Things happened this year that I never thought would, I've opened my mind and (mostly) stopped building invisible walls around myself all the time and I feel so much better for it!
I've rode a camel across the desert, been proposed to as the sun was setting, found myself (down the back of the sofa the whole time, along with a dusty 50p and a dice!), made friends and lost fiends, really 2013 has been a blast.
So what's next? How do I make sure I never come back down from this high?
Well I realised that I suck at long lists of resolutions , I never keep them all, but a few years back when I did charity work with the WWF (as in the World Wildlife Fund rather than the guys that hit each other with chairs) I gave myself three goals, a short term, a mid term and a long term goal, when I completed a goal I made a new one and those were much easier to stick too, so I decided that I'd give that a try again for 2014.
Short term goal:
Enjoy the holidays with my friends and family
Mid term goal:
Decide what we need/want for our wedding and start pricing things up so that we know how much we need to save for it.
Long term goal:
Move to a better house without quite such noisy neighbours!
Friday, 29 November 2013
I want to time travel, space can wait.
I don't know if that's maybe the ultimate in admitting to a fear of the unknown or what, but I'd rather travel through time, there's so much that has happened in history that I wish I had been around to see. So many questions I'd like to ask that nobody will ever know the answers to.
What about you?
Time or space?
Thursday, 28 November 2013
Wednesday, 27 November 2013
So there's this myth that "creepy" is really a word women use to mean "ugly" in relation to men, and I guess maybe somewhere out there someone outside of a terrible teen movie about sorority sisters maybe someone does use creepy to mean ugly (message to that girl, stop it you're letting the side down!) , but most people do not.
Some of my creepiest experiences have been pretty good looking guys, and it's not just men either before some fedorable "gentleman" wanders into my comments section and starts banging on about feminism demonising men the last truly creepy experience I had involved an elderly lady ripping a hole in my skirt and prodding my backside on public transport (what the hell old lady, that is not cool at all, I don't care how old you are), but yeah anyway back on topic a couple of genuinely creepy experiences that have involved pretty good looking men:
Recently a discount shop opened in my town, it's really handy because it means I can do all my shopping in my town centre, I don't have to travel to far and I'm not pouring all my money into Tesco. I can get my veggies at our green grocer (for which I thank my lucky stars we have as the rest of my family don't have grocers within walking distance) and then I can go a few doors along and fill my bag with discounted kidney beans (we make a lot of chilli in my house because NOM) . Anyway point is this place is kind of awesome and I started shopping there AFTER I got engaged, and well I don't want to boast about the size of my engagement ring, but it's fairly hard to miss (especially if you're staring at my hands!). Almost every time I'm in there though I get the same till/ bag packer and yeah he's a fairly decent looking guy, but I'm in there to buy ten bags of crisps for a pound not admire the scenery so I just want him to scan my purchases and put them in a bag, and yet instead despite me "dude what the fuck?" Ing at him for a month solid he kept making comments about my "pretty hands", what the hell?
(I'd also like to add that I don't have pretty hands and I bite chunks out of my thumbs when I'm stressed and I've been fairly stressed recently so my thumbs are a complete mess). Fortunately he seems to have stopped now, but why the hell would anybody find that appropriate?
The other experience I want to talk about happened when I was fourteen.
When I was fourteen I used to go to a youth group as I was home educated so I didn't have school friends and I needed to interact with people because I was incredibly lonely, I would get the bus there and get the bus back.
Anyway one night a guy sat next to me on the bus, and he was pretty good looking, I was fourteen and a good looking guy sat next to me on a bus and spoke to me. I'd had the "stranger danger" talk (which I now know to be mostly bollocks but that's another rant), but I had also been taught that above anything else I had to be nice and polite to people so I spoke back to him.
When I got off the bus he also got off the bus, and asked me for directions somewhere, so I gave him directions and went on my way, only he ignored the directions and started to follow me and by now this had stopped being "a cute guy is talking to me on the bus" and had instead become "this is actually kind of creepy", he kept trying to talk to me and I kept flat out saying "I'm sorry I have to go home, my mam is waiting for me" but he kept on following. When I was almost home he dived and attempted to grab me, I struggled but he still managed to grab my hand and kiss it before I broke free and ran the rest of the way home. For weeks I was utterly terrified that I'd run into him again, thankfully I didn't, and I didn't tell a soul what had happened as I was worried people would say it was my own fault and that I would be stopped from going out alone.
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
Looking tired and pixelated doesn't really boost my confidence, but to each their own.
There's been a lot of fuss kicked up about the humble "selfie" ( a photo taken of oneself usually with a self timer or by holding a camera or cameraphone at arm's length and praying to the gods that your elbow doesn't end up in frame).
First of all it got added to the dictionary, I know I also wept tears of sadness for the direction the English language is taking, but oh well languages change over time, at least I know how all of the non-Harry Potter fans felt when "muggle" made it into the dictionary.
And secondly? This thing happened.
Now don't get me wrong, up until a point I actually agree with it, you shouldn't need to seek validation from other people to feel empowered and being beautiful shouldn't be the be all and end all of everything, but (and here's where I start to veer off), I don't see why if most of your focus is on being awesome rather than looking it why prettiness can't be a secondary thing?
The thing I think all of us need to realise is that EVERYBODY is different, it's such a simple thing and yet so many people seem to not get this. What harm is there is someone wanting to feel pretty so long as they aren't desperately seeking validation from someone else?
As long time readers will know, I used to post a lot of self shots on here as part of my "Hair of the day" segment (which eventually I would really like to bring back, I've just been having trouble finding the time lately), and I keep having the urge to write huge, wordy posts (such as these) inter-spaced with pictures of things I get horribly over excited about (like Brother's Toffee Apple Cider), and thus crazy hair has been temporarily pushed to the back burner.
The point is, the reason I was posting those was that I wanted to show off my ability to do all of these complicated looking things with my hair (if you watched the videos or looked at the links posted in those posts you'd see hat most of them were actually fairly simple), I wasn't looking to hear "you're pretty" and honestly when I did get comments like that I didn't really believe them because I was going though a pretty crappy time in my head at the time and didn't really think I was, in fact I was fairly convinced I was pretty damn ugly, not really a good thing when you're one of those people that wants everything.
Thing is being faced with my own face every day helped me accept it more, it's my face, I'm stuck with it (because seriously if I had enough money for surgery, I'd probably spend it on designer shoes or something), and actually it helped me like it more, there's still things I don't like (seriously what the fuck pores, why you so huge!), but mostly, I'm pretty happy with it, if I hadn't been taking goodness knows how many pictures of my face it might have taken a lot longer to come to that conclusion.
Monday, 25 November 2013
Sunday, 24 November 2013
I'd just like to say something. I have been a Vegetarian since birth, and I am really sick of seeing this unresearched propaganda all over the place. Really people if you're that committed to "showing people the light" at least fact check...
3. Is pretty vauge and really poorly worded. Meat in itself, is not worse for global warming than cars. Lions and tigers and bears don't rip massive chunks in the ozone layer every time they get hungry and bring down a prey animal. Intensive farming however does contribute to global warming quite a bit in that the more animals you have on the planet (including humans I might add) the more methane they create which is one of the gasses that contribute to global warming. If we still went with the natural order of things (like animals do, other than maybe ants because ants farm) then it wouldn't be a huge problem, however farming means more animals are bred and kept in smaller spaces which means more methane.
5 and 6. There are MANY contributors to heart disease and cancers. Too much red meat MAY be one of those factors, however there are also things like genetics and overall fitness to consider. Becoming a Vegetarian won't cancel the other factors out and make you immortal.
Let's not forget that Linda McCartney died from breast cancer.
7 and 8. Well that's body shaming bullshit.
Do I look skinny to you?
I'll say it again. I was raised Vegetarian... I have NEVER eaten meat. Being Vegetarian isn't a magical cure for fat rolls.
You know what is vegetarian?
Everything in this book:
and they're fucking delicious.
So again, factors, Vegetarianism isn't going to make you magically skinny, you'd also need to watch what you eat and get some exercise.
Friday, 22 November 2013
Thursday, 21 November 2013
One of my favourite shows of all time turns 50 this weekend. I grew up watching re-runs of Dr Who after Noel's House Party on a Saturday tea time, I was thrilled and ecstatic when the BBC finally brought it back and five years ago when I walked into the house of the guy I'd just started going out with and discovered that he had two bookcases filled with Classic Dr Who VHS's I knew we were on the same wavelength (and we're engaged now! Geronimo!). So I thought I'd share a few of my favourite things.
David Tennant. Not just because he's adorable (but seriously he is!), but because he was MY DR. As I said I grew up on re-runs, but Dr Who was cancelled before I was even born, the film wasn't really my cup of tea and when it came back Ecclestone only did a series so I didn't really have time to get attached to his Dr.
Tennant's Dr, was the perfect combination of serious and hilarious and in a lot of ways reminded me of my favourite classic Dr, played by Tom Baker.
She hit a Dalek with a baseball bat!
A baseball bat!
Need I say more?
Probably not, but I'm going to anyway.
I liked Ace when I was a kid, she was cool, she wasn't the "girly" people kept telling me I had to be, she did "boy" things like carry a backpack full of explosives and go on adventures AND she had hair long enough to braid.
In short I
wanted want to be Ace!
The Silurians. Dr Who and the Silurians is one of my favourite classic episodes, probably a bizarre sentiment but it's probably one of the most realistic going by UNIT's reactions to them. I always get the feeling that if something similar was ever to really happen then that's exactly how it would end.
Rebooted, I quite liked that their introduction episodes (The Hungry Earth and Cold Blood) paid homage to The Silurians (though that is essentially the third version of the same story given how similar The Sea Devils is), and I admit it, I have a HUGE crush on Madame Vastra because she's just made of amazing.
Favourite Costumes that did not age well
Pretty much all of the aliens in The Web Planet. I actually really liked The Web Planet, and despite what a lot of other people seem to think I don't find it boring at all, however the elephant in the room is the costumes. Giant ants with remarkably human looking legs, sort of adorable looking moth men and what look weirdly like those roomba, robot hoover things travelled back in time to star in sixties sci-fi manage to make the whole thing unintentionally humorous...And yet still full of cosplay potential!
The Girl in the Fireplace, which to be honest is my favourite episode period.
Pre- Revolutionary France?
Kick ass historical figure?
Mother fucking check!
Moment of "I like this but apparently nobody else does"
The Sensorites. This is another one that occasionally produces bouts of "WTAF"ery at the costumes (and the bit where out of nowhere suddenly a Sensorite appears on the wind shield like some kind of inter-dimensional bug), but I LIKE IT OK?
Genuinely scared the crap out of me first time I saw it
Revelation of The Daleks. Until I re-watched this earlier in the year I couldn't remember ANYTHING about this story other than Davros was in it, he was just a head without a body and it TERRIFIED ME. Like for years despite the fact that I couldn't remember anything else about the story I had a crippling fear of Davros because of it, to the point that I found myself AS AN ADULT RUNNING past an animatronic Davros in a museum.
So as you can imagine facing my fears involved whiskey, snacks and a significant other to hide behind.
The terrible acting was scarier than Davros's disembodied head!