Goodbye 2013!

Myself as a Mixtape

I had this idea to describe myself in twelve songs, so if you don't know me that well you can find out in a fun way :)

1. Tori Amos - Silent all these years

I am really crap at talking to people, like REALLY CRAP. I'm not as bad as I used to be but sometimes if something isn't right I sort of retreat back into not speaking or trusting anybody.

Also I just really like Tori's way with words, the first time I heard it I literally envisioned Damien from The Omen yelling at her in the kitchen before she turned into a mermaid and swam away.

2. AFI - The Boy Who Destroyed The World

It doesn't describe me any more, but it was a big part of my life a few years back and was the soundtrack to my loneliness. Now it's just a catchy tune with a lot of memories.

3. The Evil Love Song from Phineas and Ferb

Yes I know I picked a song from a kids cartoon buuuuuuuut.

Yeah this totally describes Kev and I... Why don't we have an evil robot army? We'd make awesome supreme rulers of the universe!

4. Adam and The Ants - Stand and Deliver

"I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention!" You've seen my wardrobe right?

5. Patrick Wolf - Tristan 

I first heard this when I was going through a weird point in my life, I'd realised I was just going to have to put up with all the crap that was going on in it and thus though "so be it".

6. Bat for Lashes - Daniel

I just love this so much and can't put my finger on why.

7. Alice in Videoland - Little Bird

I like to dance... A lot... With everybody!

8. Hole - Doll Parts

I realise it's totally a drug euphemism buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut I would like to be the girl with the most cake.

9. Free - Wishing Well

It just gets stuck in my head FOREVER, massive earworm of mine.

10 Scandal - The Warrior

Speaking of earworms! Seriously though I used to be obsessed with this video because I thought she looked like she belonged in the X Men cartoon (which was another obsession of mine when I was a kiddie).

11. 4 None Blondes - What's Up?

The first song I ever learned the lyrics to.

12. Shakespear's Sister - I don't Care

Pretty much sums me up (rather creepily) in a song.

Fear

It has been so long since I last saw a film that made me jump. So many horrors at the moment just have recycled plots.

SO BORING!

Seasons

When I was younger I said that Winter was my favourite season because it was the only one as cold as me, I don't really think I am that cold any more, but I still love winter.

I think I might be a hippy in denial

I hate sitting still too long. I want to travel more, even if it's just to another part of Britain.

I'm not happy unless I'm spreading my wings.

I want to blog from every corner of the planet!

Me

What makes me, me?

I'm not sure really.

Maybe it's just me?

Mine is so much better than River's :)

Merry Christmas

Modelling

I must be doing ok at the modelling thing because I keep seeing people copying my photos 0.o

This house

I really hate this place, it isn't big enough for all our stuff, it's constantly damp and therefore impossible to keep clean (also I've lost one of my favourite jackets due to mould :( ), the walls are too thin our neighbours are almost all nutters and I would quite like to be able to decorate a room without the wallpaper peeling off a fortnight later.

News

I'm in two minds about Facebook. I am on it way to much and it is a little bit scary how much I put out there on Facebook (possibly forever!) but at the same time, it's hard to feel alone any more when there is always someone online to have a natter with.

We have a new clock

It is teh pretty :)

Desert Island

As a veggie I used to quite often get people ask me how I'd cope on a desert island when I was growing up.

Why would I have ended up on a desert island?

I didn't even have a passport until after I stopped speaking to those people.

Besides if there are animals on the island then surely they most be eating something?

And if not then I could give fish a go for my own survival I suppose but really... Why would I be on a desert island?

First Christmas Pudding of the Season

Drenched in Jack Daniels... Naughty!

Food

How come when people talk about food they only care about the taste and the smell?

I like the texture of food too, especially things like raw kale.

Visual Things

I'm a visual learner, without youtube I'd never have learned to crochet.

Nervous

When I first decided to start talking more about my life and stuff I was a little nervous it wouldn't go over so well, but I have had more views this month than I have had in a while so I guess things must be ok.

Goth is dead

Long live Goth.

Seriously though, why are people so obsessed with declaring subcultures dead?

Why does it matter how many people are into it any more?

I didn't get into it do follow mainstream ways of thinking, I did it because it was what I as an individual enjoyed.

Fuck your noise.

Habits

When I'm stressed I bite chunks out of my thumbs, it makes me look like I have zombie fingers and it's really not good but I do it without thinking.

I've been super stressed over the past few months what with relatives getting really over excited about Kev proposing (seriously guys I appreciate the thought and everything but the wedding isn't going to be a for a few years yet, I don't know what shape cake I want yet), and then with both Trillians and Legends closing within a week of each other (fortunately all that appears to be essentially sorted now with new venues like The Cluny) and just general feelingsstuff.

I guess that things must be looking up now though because my left thumb is completely healed and my left one is just looking a little raggy.

Lolita 52 Challenge - Week 49 - My favorite Lolita print

I don't think I could pick a favourite really,but Whimsical Vanilla Chan is top of my wishlist (because hilarious, not so subtle in jokes)

Burns

The first time my parents left me home on my own for the weekend I burned a hole in the carpet.

I hid it by moving the standard lamp two centimetres to the left.

Nine years later and nobody has yet noticed.

Seven

There are

seven

sins

seven

virtues

seven

things I wish I could say to

you.

I have

seven

wishes

seven

prayers

seven

"god I wish you were there"s

How far I've come

It's over four years since I started blogging, I had no idea what I was doing or what I wanted to do back then.

I'm not entirely sure that's changed much!

Until the end of the world

If the world was ending the next day and I knew it was going to happen, I'd like to go out partying.

When Kev interviewed  Erk Aicrag (Hoccico / Rabia Sorda) he said that if he knew he was going to die the next day he'd play a gig, I like mthat way of thinking.

Might as well die having fun.

Mrs B's Christmas Speech

Look what I found!

(Those are magic bubbles by the way, not a magical rainbow condom o.0)

Making Elderberry Jam

All of the yummy!

Arguments

I love to debate things, I get very passionate about some things and love a good argument about them, but I can't argue about feelings and things.

I hate arguing with friends and people I care about, so I try as much as I can to avoid conflict.

Just as things are starting to look tidy again :/

So last week my ceiling started dripping, we didn't think it was too huge a deal because it was just a drip so we let the building caretakers know and attempted to let upstairs know their bath was overflowing or something.

Except it turns out our new upstairs neighbours really hate to answer the door, but the caretakers came around, took a photo and promised to fix it.

Well for a couple of days the drip stopped and all was well.

Except that on Sunday the drip began again, we only noticed after the caretakers had gone home for the night so there wasn't much could be done about it, still it didn't seem that bad, just annoying.

That was until Kev switched on my studio light, there was a loud bang and suddenly all the lights went out.

Great, had to spend the night lit by candles and the the glow of the television (the only circuit that had tripped was the lighting one).

So on Monday I went to see the caretakers and mentioned the light, asked them to keep me in the loop and then heard nothing more all day so had to spend another night by candle light (also candle lit baths are not as romantic as I was lead to believe, my bathroom just looked like something from a Hammer Horror film).

Yesterday the caretakers dropped by to say that the upstairs water had been switched off and wouldn't go on again until the problem was fixed so it would be safe for us to call an electrification now, great I'd have light!

The sparky was here for half the day 0.o

We had a sixties-tastic bowl light shade that was here when we moved in and we hadn't got around to replacing yet and when the guy took it off the entire thing was filled with water, so it looks like Kev and I are pretty lucky to be alive really.

After we dried everything up and he got up to have a look at the wiring it turned out all of the plastic (including a lot of the wire coating) had melted, and that part of the ceiling would need to come down so it could be replaced.

Thus my studio now looks like a bomb hit it, my fabrics are all over the living room and fifi is drying out on the sofa :/

But ho hum, at least we're alive.

Mmmmmm

I had a pizza a few nights ago that seemed to have ALL OF THE SPINICH!!!

Whoops!

Looks like my commenting section had an error this morning so if you've tried to comment on the last post chances are it didn't actually work.

Sorry about that, should be fixed now :/

The Proposal!

Kev FINALLY got around to uploading this, so you to can now witness the multiple times I checked that this was indeed happening!

This is Vanity

I can't embed it, I don't know how long it will be up and I doubt it can be viewed outside of the UK but I wanted to share this because it's just such a well written short film on bullying.

It's not patronising, it's just horribly realistic.

I have absolutely no idea why

The local "yoof" think I'm a witch!

Lolita 52 Challenge - Week 48 - My "signature" outfit

Probably this one

Following on

From all the feelingssplosin-y stuff I've been posting lately.

I am incredibly great filmgoer the friends I have now.

So engines Kev likes to bring me romantic gifts

OM NOM NOM 

How come?

It took so long for Scientists to realise that energy drinks can cause changes in heartbeat?

I could have told them that when I was living on energy drinks as a student :/

So this appeared in my kitchen!

Mmmmm beer!

Look at my cups!

Ten Years

Once upon a time I wore jeans

A decade is a weird amount of time, it seems such a short amount of time, but at the same time it's quite a while, ten percent of a life (roughly).

Ten years ago I was a very different person, I was a lot younger (obviously), and going through what I still regard as the worst year of my life.

As I said a few days back I was very lonely at that point in my life, it was also the year that all of my illusions about who I was and who other people were were totally shattered, mother wasn't always right and neither was I, in fact became pretty convinced I was always wrong.

If I had been asked ten years ago what I thought I'd be doing now, I'd have made up some twee lie, but really I'd have thought that I wouldn't be here at all, I honestly couldn't see a way out of what I was going through, although eventually I managed to convince myself that if I could just keep painting on the big fake smile my life would be my own soon and things would be better, and while it didn't quite work totally to my plan it kind of worked and I'm still here, mostly in control of my own life.

So where will I be in ten more?

Well I'll be married (unless it takes us a really long time to save for it), living in a house again rather than a flat with paper thin walls and a drip in the ceiling, hopefully I will be self employed and it will be working out and I will be as happy (if not happier) than I am now.

Sparkle Corset Shoot!

Last week I went out to do a shoot in Forever in Black's new corset design

It was fairly cold so mostly we shot indoors

I really like this corset and didn't really want to give it back!

But I had too!

#firstworldaltmodelproblems

SPARKLES!

Photos in this post by GFM50

Outfit by Forever in Black

Travel

I love to travel but when I am away I miss my kitty!

The only thing to fear is fear itself

Today I am going to talk about what frightens me the most.

Loneliness.

When I was 12 I was bullied so badly at school that it caused me to have panic attacks, I've mentioned on here before that my mother got really scared and pulled me out of school and so I ended up home educated for the rest of my secondary school years because all of the other schools in the area were over subscribed so I couldn't get in anywhere else.

Over all I am quite happy with the level of education I received, it meant I could concentrate more on the things I was good at (mainly arts based) and if I was having trouble with something I didn't have thirty other kids to compete with for help, but the one thing that wasn't so good was how painfully lonely it was.

I was in my teens, things were hard enough with my body throwing random curveballs at me without having to go through it alone, and yeah I had my family around but you know how it is when you're a teenager, nobody understood me, at least that's what I thought (and to be fair some of my problems surrounded coming out, and nobody in my immediate family DID understand that, and hearing stuff like "I don't see why the NHS don't accept gay men's blood, it's not gay people that spread AIDs it's the bisexuals you have to worry about" didn't really help) and so when I had problems I just stopped talking to people because I was frustrated and felt like nobody was listening.

At some point my family started to notice how withdrawn I had become and a youth group was found nearby and I started to go to that, unfortunately it had been almost two years since I had left school and I had trouble talking to people my own age. I would freak out on the bus on the way there for months, convinced that people were just pretending to like me (in a couple of cases it turned out I was correct to think that but fuck this people) and for a while I felt even more alone, like many young people I felt like the only people that understood me were musicians and it was around this time I started listening to AFI and felt a deep and somewhat weird connection to the lyrics of The Nephillim "he said I now feel more desperatly alone, even though they wrapped their arms around me as I'd fallen." And I felt like I'd never be happy again.

Eventually though I ended up joining another group tha was more politics based, which was kind of weird because I never really saw myself being into anything political and then boom suddenly there I was every month trying to make young people's voices and opinions heard, it shaped a lot of who I am today funnily enough, and I met people then who I am still friends with now. An offshoot of that group turned into an LGB (they totally forgot about the T which makes me feel a bit awkward now) group and I ended up getting the support I needed and eventually came out to my family, which got a resounding "ok why are you telling me this now? What do you expect me to do about it?" Rather than the hugs I needed but oh well at least I managed to come out eventually.

I still have trouble speaking to people sometimes, and I know it does frustrate people sometimes but at least these days I have people (a lot of people, more than I ever thought I'd have) who care enough to get frustrated at me, I don't ever want to be as lonely as I was in my teens again.

Dear You

Dear you,

          I wish that you could see what everybody else sees.

You're a fantastic person, a brilliant friend and incredibly talented.

You're always so down on yourself and I know that nothing I can say can make any difference, and that makes me feel helpless.

You've helped me so much and I want to help you.

Your friend

Alex 

It's Strange

That we're so concerned about curing things like the common cold but not our problems with how we feel about things.

Perhaps it's easier to change things if you don't have to change yourself.

Funny how things go

Before I met Kev I went out with a guy who seemed in retrospect was obsessed with controlling me. Every little thing about me he had something to say about.

In ways he was quite clever because it wasn't until long after we had split up I noticed all of the ways he had played with my head.

One of the things he managed to do was make me obsess over my weight, to the point that eventually I would check my weight every day and if I was heavier than the day before I would eat very little and be ashamed of myself, but he was never happy, the next time I saw him he complained that my hipbones (which now stuck out) had bruised him and in the same breath told me I'd be so much hotter if I lost a few more pounds.

When we split up and I realised all of the ways he had controlled me it still took a long time to stop obsessing over my weight and eventually I ended up having to get rid of scales in my house so I wouldn't obsess any more.

At the weekend I visited my friend's house for a party and she has scales in her bathroom, curiosity overtook me and I stepped on the scales.

I'm five stone heavier now, I considered that for a moment.

I eat a lot healthier, and I run a lot.

Those five stones don't matter.

Evil is as evil does

I don't really believe in evil.

People

can

do

Evil things.

But 

people

aren't

evil.

If you do enough

evil

things

then

You're probably beyond redemption.

but

you're

still

not

evil.

Call of Cthulhu

Ceiling Cthulhu is watching you lose all of your SAN points trying to remember how SAN rolls work

I am so confused sometimes.

Enjoying it but very confused.

And now I can't get Major Tom (coming home) out of my head

Lolita 52 Challenge - Week 47 - The item in my wardrobe that was the hardest to get

I don't think that anything in my wardrobe was that hard to get.