Saturday, 10 October 2015

Deep Dark Fears

I found this tumblr a few days back, and reading this plus it being the month of October has prompted me to write about my own fears.

My biggest fear is loneliness. 
When I was eleven I was bullied at school, it went from name calling to physical bullying very quickly and the teachers didn't really do much to stop it. 
I started skipping school and ended up getting put in "Alternative learning", which was basically a small room where they shoved the people who were skipping school, the kids with learning difficulties that weren't getting the help they needed and the kids that were getting suspended a lot. So basically they put the bullies in with the bullied and a bunch of computers. Weirdly enough very little happened there, we just played Zombinis all day, although I do remember a guy once loudly announcing that his dream career was to be a mafia porn star, and that there was another guy who used to set things on fire, he was actually ok apart from the setting things on fire thing, he died a few years later and I'm still pretty convinced he was murdered, as I know that the person with him at the time he died used to bully him, and said guy has been in a shed load of trouble locally since, but it was decided at the time it was accidental.
Alternative learning would try and phase people back into going to regular classes, and one day I was sent out into the regular school yard. I was trying to read a book when a girl who had been one of the people who used to beat me up beforehand grabbed my tie and tried to strangle me, this time a teacher did step in (who I found out a few years back committed suicide, which really upset me), my throat was bruised and when I got home my mam decided enough was enough and pulled me out of school. From then on I was home educated.
I tried to call a few of my "friends", but nobody returned my calls, I found out a few years back when I found a bunch of people on Facebook that when I left a rumour had circulated that it was because I was pregnant and so that was why nobody wanted to talk to me.
Because of this I felt alone and isolated, I had nobody to talk to, while it may have saved my life it lead to me becoming incredibly awkward around people, I still have issues socialising with people I don't know that well because of that time in my life.
I never want to be alone again, so I try to awkwardly collect awesome people to keep around me at all times. 

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